Where should I look for You tomorrow?

“Profe, te busqué.” I was surprised, to say the least, when Sam* opened up the door of the fourth grade classroom and walked in. Sam is one of our “frequent flier” 7^th grade boys who is commonly in trouble with one or more of his teachers, suspended by our administration, or angry with his classmates. He also happens to be my neighbor, from whose home I consistently hear degrading comments being shouted between family members. Two days earlier, he and I had a bit of a “battle” at our school’s Honor Roll assembly that started with him not getting to sit in the seat that he wanted and ended with him sitting alone in a chair next to me, trying to get up and leave without permission multiple times, and finally choosing to be completely disruptive and defiant towards me and another staff member. It was decided that his consequence would be to spend recess with me for the rest of the week (3 days) and that it was his responsibility to come and find me each day at his recess time. For each day that he didn’t come to find me and chose to go to recess instead, two extra days would be added onto his punishment. He was a bit angry with me when we left the office, to say the least.

The next day (and not surprisingly), Sam didn’t come and find me at recess. After his recess time, I went and pulled him out of class. I made him come with me and sit in the corner while I taught fifth grade and I repeatedly made him sit up straight the ten times he tried to put his feet up on his desk. At the end of class, I told him that by not coming to find me during recess, he had chosen to add two extra days to his punishment, which now meant that he wouldn’t have recess for the next five days. I also told him that if he didn’t come and look for me tomorrow at the beginning of recess, I wouldn’t wait and come get him after recess but would find him in front of his friends during recess and make him come with me in front of everyone – AND his day with me would not count towards his five days – PLUS we would add two more. Finally, I told him that his time with me during recess did not have to be anger-filled and boring. I told him that I would help him with any assignments he had or that we could just sit and talk. He’s a seventh grade boy, so I knew that the second option (and let’s be honest, even the first option) wasn’t appealing. Nevertheless, I hoped, but didn’t expect, to see Sam the next day.

I was teaching addition of fractions with like-denominators in fourth grade the next day when there was a knock on the door. There he was. “Profe, te busqué.” “Teacher, I looked for you.” I was shocked. Although I had threatened him pretty well the day before, I still did not expect him to actually come and find me on his own. I masked my surprise and casually said “Hey, Sam. Thanks for coming. I’m teaching fractions. Can you help me?” Then I went right back to teaching as he tentatively entered and closed the door behind him. He walked past me and I whispered “You can help the kids who are having a hard time.” He looked at me with confused eyes, as if to say, “You want ME to help?” I paused in the lesson and said “Kids, Sam is really intelligent. I know because I’m one of his math teachers in 7^th grade. He’s going to help us today.” And then I taught more fractions. And Sam knelt down next to and put his arm around a struggling boy and helped him add fractions. Let me repeat that…

SAM, the boy who is always fighting, yelling, disobeying, and getting suspended knelt down next to and put his arm around a struggling boy and helped him add fractions.

By the end of our class time, Sam was correcting students’ independent work and putting up the correct answers for me on the board. When it was time for him to leave, I thanked him for his time and told him what a great help he was. I also told him that because he not only came looking for me but also had a good attitude and was helpful and not disruptive, I would take a day off of his punishment. So instead of four days left of detention, he only had three.  “See you tomorrow,” he said as he left. I saw him later that day and he asked me “Where should I look for you tomorrow? What class will we be in?” I smiled as I told him that I wasn’t sure where I would be, but that I would be waiting for him wherever I was.

We are all more like Sam than we think.  We screw up, we are defiant, we are disrespectful, we so often disrupt God’s plan, oftentimes the sake of gaining more attention for ourselves. When natural consequences come along, we frequently make them even worse in our defiance and refuse to learn from our own mistakes. But sometimes, we look for the Teacher. And when we look, we always find Him. And He is always waiting for us, not in anger, but in love and mercy. And not only is He merciful, but He is also gracious. He chooses to involve us, sinful hearts and mistaken priorities included, in the work He is doing. So often I find myself asking God the same question that Sam’s eyes asked me. “You want ME to help?” God, are You sure you want to use me? There must be someone more qualified. There must be another more equipped. There must be a more effective, less clueless person You could send. But God says “You, Kristin,” and so I choose to enter into the Kingdom work that He is doing all around me. I choose to kneel down and put my arms around those who are struggling, even though I myself am struggling as well. And at the end of the day I choose not to ask God for comforts, nor for security, nor for the plan for next year. Instead, like Sam, I simply ask “Where should I look for You tomorrow?”

*Child’s name has been changed to protect his privacy.

Update: The following day, Sam didn’t come to find me at recess and I went looking for him. I don’t want you all thinking that he was magically transformed overnight. He’s back up to 5 days without recess. But hey, we’re all thankful for forgiveness and second (and third, fourth, fifth…) chances, right?